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    There are many days I feel like I am being pulled in fifty different directions. I feel like I am completely falling apart in multiple facets of my life. I work harder at one thing, yet three others slip. I feel like I am doing a shitty job. I lay in bed at night feeling like a failure. I know that I am not alone in this feeling, because there are billions of other mommies in the world. It is our nature to feel like we are not good enough, even when we are perfectly adequate. 
     Middle child has therapy at our home twice a week. Now that it is summer, this is draining. It usually happens in early evening. This means an entire day of entertaining kids, cleaning house, mediating fights, spending time with the husband, dealing with an angst filled teen, and attempting to rationalize with middle and youngest. 

By the time the therapist arrives, I am usually ready for a glass of wine and sweats. Instead, we have to put on our best face and make it through two hours of mobile therapy. It isn't easy. There are some days I am only half listening. I sit there, while middle child complains about the unfairness of a new house rule, and make a mental checklist of things I still need to do. It isn't always like this, just on the super busy days. Days where I feel like I still have miles to go and it is eight in the evening. Days where I look at the checklist and I have added more then I have checked off. Okay, it is a lot of days.
     I look at the house and in my head it is a complete wreck.I know it isn't and I am being totally irrational. There is just something inside of me that makes me need to clean. When I don't, I honestly feel bad about myself. Youngest child throws a fit to run the vacuum and play with the broom. Instead of matchbox card and building blocks, he loves cleaning products. It is my fault. When I dust, he walks around with me waiting for me to spray his own little dab of Pledge to wipe up. He is cleaning his little childhood away, and I did it. One day he is going to be an adult and hate me because I taught him to vacuum before he could walk. He will blame me for his obsessive need to visit Oreck stores. 
     I lay in bed and wonder if I am too lenient or overbearing on oldest child. We trust him completely and don't give him many rules. He also doesn't ask for much. At the same time, he doesn't talk anymore. He still communicates but he doesn't actually talk like we used to. He and I used to talk about everything and anything. Now, he just disputes. He will argue every sentence that comes out of my mouth even when he knows he is wrong. I wonder if he is just being rebellious. But we don't give him much to rebel over. I assume it is just hormones. I always had myself convinced I had the one child who would be exempt from the pain-in-the-ass teenage years. Holy cow was I wrong. I know it will get better. At least that is what I tell myself in the worst of times. 
     My husband. There are days I feel like we don't see each other even though we are together all day. By the time we get to bed, we collapse from pure exhaustion. I wake up the next morning feeling bad because I passed out and didn't spend any time with him. The last thing I remember from the night before was clicking on Netflix, cuddling with the husband, hoping to get some, and then...sleep. So, I feel awful because he typically gets neglected in the attention department. Not always, but too much for me. 
     There are so many other things I ponder at night. Things I can actually impact, like youngest child's potty training and people treating middle child like an outcast. Then, there are the things I can't do anything about. Like not having enough hours in the day or my kids growing up way too fast. 
     Some nights, I wish I could just fall asleep and not give a shit. Then I realize I am not alone. There are a billion other moms out there, just like me, lying awake too. 
 


Comments

07/23/2014 5:42am

Oh how I relate to so much of this!! Except the cleaning- haha- I wish! My kids are slobs but I say the same thing (but opposit) I hate when things are a mess, but I feel like I barely have time to brush my teeth! Being a mom is miles of work, and so worth it. LOVE your blog Tre. Glad you contacted me for relatable sanity. PS our hubs have ponytails.


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