The issue is, I still feel like I am a teenager. Okay, maybe not first thing in the morning, but definitely like thirty or so minutes after I crawl out of bed. In those thirty or so minutes, I come face to face with these little creatures that live in my house. Then, it hits me. When did I get old enough to be responsible for three children? Who in their right mind would have ever thought I could take care of an animal, let alone a child. The thing is, I am really good at it, most days.
I don't feel old enough to be a mom. I don't feel anywhere near capable enough to be a mom. Maybe that is why I constantly feel like I am failing. In my head, I am still that carefree teenager who never had the answers. Now, it is twenty years later and I am just as clueless as I was then. People always talk about the parenting handbook. Why the hell haven't they made it yet? Every time I think I have this mom gig figured out, the kiddos throw a wrench in it.
Oldest is probably the hardest, he goes through all the rites of passage first. So, when he comes to me with girl problems, I am completely clueless. What do I tell him? Girls are evil, stay away! But, I eventually want grandchildren, so that is probably a bad strategy. Instead, I am as awkward and unsure as I was in high school. I worry about giving him the wrong advice or saying something to embarrass him. When middle child is getting picked on by children is school, how do I handle it? I don't know what the right choice is. Do I go with my gut and go beat up the kids' moms? Or do I explain to middle how awful bullying is and why we never make people feel bad. I remember having the same problems as both of them, and it doesn't seem like that long ago. I remember the pain that came with those times. I just want to help them avoid it but I don't know how.
I don't feel at all ready for this whole parent thing, and I'm fifteen years into it. I don't think I will ever be prepared or competent. I am just skating through with these really great kiddos and trying to figure it all out.