I see these other moms, with their homemade, pre-digested toddler snacks and biodegradable yoga pants. I feel like a failure. My kids drop an Oreo on the floor, I brush it off and hand it back to them so I don't have to listen to the whining because it is the last one. Why is it so easy for other parents? Why can they do it all and I am barely holding it together?
I'm having a hard time trying to find the whole work/life balance I have heard so much about. If I spend time with my family, I feel like I neglect my work. If I am working, I feel like the shittiest mom in the world. There is no happy medium. I try to spend the days with the kids, and then my nights working. That doesn't really work out very well in the husband's favor. It seems like no matter what I do, there aren't enough hours in the day.
How do these parents find a way to make a newborns bibs from scratch, repurpose the used diaper wipes, and have a full time job? I don't have a full time job, and if I did I think it would severely impact the wellbeing of my family. I don't understand how working parents do it. How they keep a job and a household going? I can barely find the time to get a shower some days.
I am not complaining. There is not a day that I would ever trade it for anything in the world. I just feel like I fall short. It seems like there are these expectations that society has for stay at home parents, and I feel like I just do not make the grade. I marvel at Pinterest and wonder who has the time to make all of these recipes and crafts. I wonder what super mom can find the time to crochet Barbie clothes, hand-paint napkin rings, make her own soap, and throw dinner in the crock pot all before noon. I know that before 12 pm I spend my day not showered, reasoning with a two year old (and losing), laundry, hiding from a toddler, contemplating becoming a recluse, errands, answering emails, and cleaning my home for the fifteenth time that day. Where am I going so wrong? Why the hell can't I make my own soap?
It really isn't about the soap. I don't want to make soap. I am not creative enough to do any of that. I just want to feel accomplished at the end of the day. I don't want to feel so stretched at the seams. I want to be able to not feel guilty. It isn't going to happen though. As a parent we are wired to feel bad if we aren't doing our job with our children. Yet, we have obligations with our other grown-up jobs. Jeez, it stinks being an adult. It is hard, and it's bullshit.
So, I will keep picking the snacks off the floor and handing them to the kids to eat. I will nod and pretend I am listening when the hubby is talking about mindless drivel. When I need a timeout, I will hide and pretend to not hear my name. I am not perfect. I never will be. The best part is, it is still okay with my family and they love me. I just need to love myself.