I can feel that day looming on the horizon. Every day, it seems to inch closer and closer, and there is not a thing I can do about it. The other night, I was laying in bed doing my nails. The light was off, but I had the bedside lamp on, which is typically more than enough light. My husband and I began debating something that required me to read the back of the nail polish bottle. It was that moment I realized I had the eyes of someone who is middle aged. I blinked a few times, squinted a little, I even moved the bottle closer to my face. It was all in vain. I couldn't read the damn white print. I was convinced the issue was the bottle until I turned on the light and the words magically appeared on the bottle. Every day, I get one day closer to being thirty seven years old. It is happening and I can't change it. 
This has never been something that has bothered me before, the whole aging thing. I'm not quite sure why this year is different. Actually, that isn't entirely true. I have a pretty good idea. At the same time I am turning the dreaded Three-Seven, my oldest is becoming a Junior in high school and my daughter is entering middle school. I will only have three short years before my youngest is entering Kindergarten and starting his own life. Where does all of this leave me?
     These have always been the years my husband and I have looked forward to. The mornings we put all the kids on the bus and then crawl back into bed together. Or when they all leave home to start their journeys and we continue ours together. Then why am I so bothered by this? I feel so threatened by all of the changes. The getting older, the kids moving on, everything being so different. 
     I want to think this all comes back to my birthday being right around the corner. Typically, these days come once a year without fanfare. This year it seems different. There is something I am dreading, and I have no idea what it is. Shouldn't this sort of thing be happening when I am forty? I should be worrying about a house full of black balloons and pictures of tombstones hung by my younger and ever loving husband. It shouldn't be happening now, not when I am only turning thirty seven, but so much seems to be changing. 
     Each day, I find something else different. There is always something else to find wrong, about me, about life, about things I cannot change. That last five pounds I used to drop right before summer isn't coming off as easily as it used to. You know, the weight you put on in the winter to keep warm? Well, it is now sticking around in the warmer months to make me sweat enough to think I am in early menopause. There are times I see myself, and I swear I act like my mother. I can hear the words coming from my mouth, see the way my body is moving, and I swear my mother has possessed my body. I don't know how this is happening because I am supposed to be the cool and fun mommy, not my mother. I mean, she is awesome and everything, but she is the exact opposite of me. There is no way I could act like her, right? Some nights, it is not even nine, and I am ready for bed. I was the girl who used to stay up all night, work all the next day, then I was ready to go out again the following night. Now, most days, I take a nap when I can sneak it. My deepest, darkest secret? Some date nights, the husband and I started going to Bingo. The first time we went, our teenager felt extremely vindicated. Just the day before, he had told us that we were old and didn't understand him. When we were offended, he apologized. Then, we told him of our Bingo attendance plans. he just rolled his eyes and muttered something about his point being proven. 
      Maybe it is all in my head. Maybe it is some mid-life crisis happening a couple years too soon. I'm not really sure, either way I don't really know how to cope. How do you deal with something that isn't actually tangible? I don't really think about it until I am laying in bed at night and I have time to contemplate everything. During the day, I am too busy trying to fit in naps and mimicking my mom. Either way, September will come and go. I will become a year older, hopefully a year wiser. Maybe by then, these feelings will pass and I will find some upside to growing older with my gained year of intelligence. When I find all of the benefits of aging, I will let you know. Currently, I am still searching, amazing eyesight is not one of them. 
 


Comments

04/21/2016 6:10am

Pretty good post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed reading your blog posts. Any way I’ll be subscribing to your feed and I hope you post again soon.

05/11/2016 3:10pm

Parenting is not an easy term to explain about. Parents should be more conscious about everything going around them. They have to forget their own needs for the sake of their family’s comfort. I love this blog.


Comments are closed.