These have always been the years my husband and I have looked forward to. The mornings we put all the kids on the bus and then crawl back into bed together. Or when they all leave home to start their journeys and we continue ours together. Then why am I so bothered by this? I feel so threatened by all of the changes. The getting older, the kids moving on, everything being so different.
I want to think this all comes back to my birthday being right around the corner. Typically, these days come once a year without fanfare. This year it seems different. There is something I am dreading, and I have no idea what it is. Shouldn't this sort of thing be happening when I am forty? I should be worrying about a house full of black balloons and pictures of tombstones hung by my younger and ever loving husband. It shouldn't be happening now, not when I am only turning thirty seven, but so much seems to be changing.
Each day, I find something else different. There is always something else to find wrong, about me, about life, about things I cannot change. That last five pounds I used to drop right before summer isn't coming off as easily as it used to. You know, the weight you put on in the winter to keep warm? Well, it is now sticking around in the warmer months to make me sweat enough to think I am in early menopause. There are times I see myself, and I swear I act like my mother. I can hear the words coming from my mouth, see the way my body is moving, and I swear my mother has possessed my body. I don't know how this is happening because I am supposed to be the cool and fun mommy, not my mother. I mean, she is awesome and everything, but she is the exact opposite of me. There is no way I could act like her, right? Some nights, it is not even nine, and I am ready for bed. I was the girl who used to stay up all night, work all the next day, then I was ready to go out again the following night. Now, most days, I take a nap when I can sneak it. My deepest, darkest secret? Some date nights, the husband and I started going to Bingo. The first time we went, our teenager felt extremely vindicated. Just the day before, he had told us that we were old and didn't understand him. When we were offended, he apologized. Then, we told him of our Bingo attendance plans. he just rolled his eyes and muttered something about his point being proven.
Maybe it is all in my head. Maybe it is some mid-life crisis happening a couple years too soon. I'm not really sure, either way I don't really know how to cope. How do you deal with something that isn't actually tangible? I don't really think about it until I am laying in bed at night and I have time to contemplate everything. During the day, I am too busy trying to fit in naps and mimicking my mom. Either way, September will come and go. I will become a year older, hopefully a year wiser. Maybe by then, these feelings will pass and I will find some upside to growing older with my gained year of intelligence. When I find all of the benefits of aging, I will let you know. Currently, I am still searching, amazing eyesight is not one of them.